My family dynamic is complicated. When I was younger, I believed the façade of our picture-perfect life, but that was an illusion.
As I heal & strengthen; I see how necessary clear boundaries are for self-preservation. The hardest boundaries for me to set were with my nuclear family.
I was born 2 years, to the day, after my parents got married at city hall. My mom was 8.5 months pregnant with my older brother. They used their ex-spouses wedding bands to solidify their union at city hall. They got married because it was expected of them. My maternal grandparents did not want a grandchild born out of wedlock. I was born into a nuclear family that bound itself together out of duty and obligation. I do not fault them for that.
My brother was born with fire in his eyes, according to my dad. He was not wrong. When he was young, my brother was a spirited, strong willed, explosive child. My dad is known to have some of that same fire behind his eyes, but he will never admit that. Their temperaments, when heightened, provoked one another and could cause some wild eruptions.
My temperament was the absolute opposite. I was always calm, docile, happy. It almost feels like I came into this world knowing I had a role to play | mediator. I never truly formed my own identity as a child. I placated others. I tried to keep the peace. I put the needs of others before my own.
My basic needs were met and well surpassed.
I lived in a beautiful 3 story home in an affluent neighborhood in an amazing city. I had great friends, enjoyed & thrived in many extracurriculars, & was quite popular. My mom was on PTA, organized & baked snacks for my sports team, and drove me to and from my extracurricular activities. My dad was my high school varsity soccer team coach all 4 years of high school. Given that we made it to city championships all 4 of those years, he even stayed on and coached one additional year after I had graduated and left the state for college.
My family loved to travel & I am very fortunate to have been able to explore so many areas on this beautiful planet. As a kid, the preferred mode of travel was playing backseat Bingo on the way west to explore the vast natural beauty of some of the most sublime national parks. We would jam to Johnny Clegg and stop at Cracker Barrel for lunch on the side of the highway. It was an enriching life in so many fundamental ways.
The problem was, I never felt seen. I had no identity of my own. I was a reflection of the people around me.
I poured myself into others needs before prioritizing or understand my needs.
It would take me 3 decades to start to understand the depths of what this does to a person.
I have always been a nurturer. A helper. A healer. I pour myself into others to my own detriment. That is what I learned as a child. It takes years to unlearn learned behaviors. The patterns we are implicitly learn in our environments as kids, carry with us. These patterns become familiar, and often, we seek out these same energy fields of familiarity when we become young adults and start stepping into the world on our own.
My insecure attachment, co-dependence and people pleasing made me vulnerable to others as I got older. When I started dating, I was drawn to men that needed nurturing, were often unstable, conflict ridden & not going to see, accept or love for me who I was. Part of that due to that my identity was wrapped up in the other person and my identity was not formed.
When you do the internal work to start understanding what makes you who you are today; a deep sense of clarity arises within.
“Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.”
— Aristotle
