Attachment theory has profound implications for understanding how each relationship is a dance of a multitude of factors | driven by our need for connection & rooted in a learned attachment style during infancy. Attachment theory asserts that all humans develop an attachment style in infancy based on the way their primary caregiver responds when they are in distress.

In secure attachment; an infant develops confidence to begin exploring the world because there is a secure base to return home to in distress. The other 3 attachment styles represent the 50% of the population that has developed an insecure attachment style. The way we engage in all future relationships is perpetuated by the subconscious gravitational pull to seek out familiar interpersonal dynamics that reinforce our learned attachment style.

“Thus, our global beliefs about the nature and worth of close relationships appear to be shaped by our experiences within them. By good luck or bad, our own interpersonal worth and the trustworthiness of others emerge from our interactions with our major caregivers, and thus they start us down a path of trust or fear.”

Intimate Relationships, 3^rd Edition

Each unique attachment style corresponds to a self-construct of how we internally see ourselves & the value we see in connection with others. This creates a self-fulfilling cycle of seeking out the familiar via partners that reinforce learned styles of attachment.

The 3 main attachment styles that 95% of the population fall into are | secure, anxious & avoidant. Secure attachment makes up 50% of the population and the remaining 50% of people fall into one of 3 insecure attachment styles | anxious attachment (20%), avoidant attachment (25%) and anxious-avoidant attachment (5%).

The following are high level characteristics of the 3 attachment styles |

Attachment styles help make sense of how individuals handle uncomfortable emotions. In distress, secure people look for comfort & support in connection, people with avoidant attachment styles withdraw & anxiously attached people become fretful.

In times of connection, securely attached individuals are comfortable and confident in relationships. They provide clear communication, set boundaries & share expectations and reciprocity in partnerships. The anxiously attached seek and desire love, but do not trust that they are worthy of love because of inconsistency in infancy. They pour endlessly into their partners, but are highly attune to their partners needs and often have a hard time separating their own individual desires from their partners. These tendencies often represent in people-pleasing, co-dependency & subconsciously seeking a certain degree of conflict which is entirely too familiar to a person who is anxious avoidant. Avoidant’s are often independent, self-sufficient & have difficulty trusting true connection with others. True intimacy often scares those with avoidant attachment because they did not receive this fundamental response in their earliest interactions with those who were supposed to care for them the most.

“Our style of attachment affects everything from our partner selection to how well our relationships progress and to, sadly, how they end. That is why recognizing our attachment pattern can help us understand our strengths and vulnerabilities in a relationship. In a sense, we set ourselves up by finding partners that confirm our models.”

How Your Attachment Style Impacts Your Relationship |
psychalive.org

The attachment style developed in the earliest years of life are maintained through all future interpersonal relationships. Although the majority of people do not deviate from the attachment style first developed; these are learned behaviors that have the potential to be unlearned. It takes about 4 years to change an attachment style and only about 1 in 4 people will transition into a different style in their life.

Attachment theory was first studied in the 1950’s and the decades of research since have offered tremendous insight to help individuals make sense of how the people they chose to engage with & how trusting, confident and comfortable we are in our closest relationships is a direct result of what was innately learned as a survival mechanism in infancy. As humans, once a behavior is learned, it is natural to seek out patterns, people and tendencies that reinforce the familiar. For the securely attached, this is very beneficial. For the remaining 50% of the population; there is tons of literature and research that clearly defines how these styles create predictable behaviors and response that are perpetuated by each new relationship we engage in that reinforces the familiar.

“Attachment principle teaches us that most people are only as needy as their unmet needs. When our partner is unable to meet our basic attachment needs, we experience a chronic sense of disquiet and tension that leaves us more exposed to various ailments. Not only is our emotional well-being sacrificed when we are in a romantic partnership with someone who doesn’t provide a secure base, but so is our physical health.”

Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find–and Keep—Love | Amir Levine 

The health benefits that result from connection to others are immense. True connection generally yields a longer, healthier, more fulfilling life. On the flip side, disconnect and in-genuine connection has the potential to cause a host of mental & physical ailments. 

In order to live the absolute fullest, healthiest, most vibrant life possible requires us to develop a keen sense of self-awareness & make sense of all of the experiences that brought us to our individual, unique present day.