I moved to Michigan to start to write my memoir, to further heal from chronic pain and continue my overall healing journey. For one month, I was alive again for the first time in years; healthy + thriving, and finally, not just surviving.

A month in, I met a neighbor, who lived in a house 450 feet from mine, perfectly perched atop a hill overlooking my home. He was the only neighbor who had eyes on the .5 acres of my Lincoln Logs which I bought for how privately {I naively thought} my home was tucked into a wooded ravine. He marked me as his prey well before the first time I met him. Before meeting my ex, I knew nothing about narcissism.

As someone who is very well immersed in the mental health community & fairly educated on mental illnesses; I had always thought narcissism was a buzzword too cavalierly thrown around. Narcissism is the furthest from a buzzword for those of us that intimately understand the total destruction a narcissist wreaks on our life & the subsequent destruction a narcissist leaves on our mental, physical, spiritual, financial & overall well being.  

The term narcissist, is used too frequently and often times, inappropriately. If you are a survivor of narcissistic abuse, as I now am, you understand that the dark, void essence of any sense of self that encapsulates a narcissist, will destroy every angle of your life and hold you captive in despair; if you do not break free. Narcissism is essentially untreatable.

This is why I sold my brand new, perfect Lincoln Log cabin in MI and spent months on the road; fleeing for safety for myself and my sweet pup who my neighbor turned to in his last months of trying to reel me back in; when he realized I was well out of his grasp.

One pivotal difference between those diagnosed with DSM-IV mental illnesses and narcissists, psychopaths & sociopaths, is that people who are mentally ill want to get better. They realize that something is internally off and they often seek help and resources and support systems to lessen their hurt.

On the contrary, narcissists do not think anything is wrong with them and are always quick to point a finger at those they abuse as being the ones with the problem. They are experts at playing the victim. A narcissist does not want to heal because in their fictitious minds; they are superior to everyone else. This act of superiority is a façade to mask the deep, lifelong insecurities they are riddled with. They live in a fantasy world and the rest of us, are pawns in a game they play daily. This extends to include their children, pets, employees, romantic partners & any other vulnerable creatures they deceivingly bring into their sphere.

Narcissists are dangerous because they are delusional and have been since childhood when the personality condition, or in more severe cases, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, develops as a result of unmet childhood needs by parents that are focused on status and accolades, abusive or unloving, and unable to emotionally provide to their children; whom they often see as offshoots of themselves. This is generational trauma at its finest.

Their lack of sense of self is perpetuated by years of honing their craft and consistently learning from their victims how to fine tune their maladaptive personality tendencies, based on the feedback they receive at all stages of the abusive cycle. Their wrath has no limits when they realize their false persona is close to being revealed. Their crafted persona to the public, which is vastly different from how they treat those closest to them behind closed doors, oozes charm & charisma.

The biggest fear a narcissist has is being discovered for who they really are | inhumane, soulless vampires who suck positive energy from everyone in their orbit in a vain effort to provide internal peace.

Narcissism is a shame-based personality condition that is exhibited by lack of empathy, a heightened sense of entitlement, grandiose sense of self & steadfast belief that one is unique + innately deserves special treatment. 

A narcissist requires constant external validation, admiration & praise because they have never developed an internal sense of identity and are consumed with pervasive shame & riddled with lifelong insecurity. They are fixated on status, appearance + how they are perceived by others. The positive reinforcement from external sources, i.e. their narcissistic supply, inflates their very fragile & superficially inflated ego.

If they do not have narcissistic supply to fuel their wounded ego, the ego quickly deflates and their internal shame is at risk of bubbling outwardly which is considered narcissistic injury. During the time of narcissistic injury; a narcissist is often reactive, defensive and has the potential to be quite dangerous.

Some common characteristics in an individual who exhibits high levels of narcissism are: talking excessively about themselves and often interjecting or talking over others in conversation to steer the topic back to themselves, moodiness and rapid mood shifting, overly competitive, absolute lack of accountability & poor communication skills. They often have difficulty with intimacy, such as cuddling or sincere physical contact, but often enjoy salacious, demeaning sexual endeavors. A narcissist is extremely sensitive to feedback, criticism and perceived rejection. The perceived threat of any of these misgivings in a narcissists eyes can quickly send them into a narcissistic rage.

According to Verywell Mind, narcissistic rage is caused by

• Not getting their way 
• Not getting enough attention 
• Feel like they are losing control of people/situation 
• Reacting to criticism  
• Getting caught doing something  

Narcissists are delusional and live in a fantasy world dreaming of fame and/or glory which seems to help fill their vast inner reality of total emptiness. Their superficial friendships and relationships are often short lived and tumultuous as a result of a narcissists inability to be vulnerable, openly communicative, or honest with anyone, including themselves. Their incredibly entitled, selfish nature typically has no regard for others which makes the hallmark of most of their relationships transactional and based off what they can gain from them. It leaves those engaged with them constantly walking on eggshells.

Relationships with a narcissist are perpetuated by regularly manipulating, controlling & taking advantage of everyone, to benefit themselves.

“Remember that narcissists have no inner sense of value because of the trauma that they survived during childhood. As children, narcissists were not able to get their needs and wants met so they have drawn the conclusion that in order to get what it is they need and want, they must manipulate and control others. Lying is just one of the things that they do to manipulate and control others. Deny. Deflect. Devalue. Dismiss.” Thrive Global 

People who lie on the spectrum of narcissism often think of others as inferior objects to discard when they’re no longer useful.  

A narcissist is deeply envious of others. They desperately want the qualities many of their victims have which are often individuals who are high in empathy, kindness, overly compassionate and often people-pleasers. To compensate for this insatiable desire to be someone they are not and will never be, they subconsciously regularly inflate their ego by asserting themselves as the star of the show, the center of attention & they present outwardly as overwhelmingly charming & charismatic. In truth, this embellished falsehood of identity is very taxing energy wise on both the predator and the victim.

Narcissists are unable to regulate emotionally and often present as grown adults in their physical bodies with childlike behaviors.

Narcissists distort their own understanding of themselves. In the initial phase of a relationship, a master narcissist will mirror their new prey as a psychological tactic to later gain the upper hand and because they have no sense of self or core identity.

When I first met my former neighbor and ex, I told people it was so incredible how eerily similar we were. It was like I was looking in the mirror. I fell in love with my own self, but was duped into the monster that pretended to be someone he was not and will never be.

Mindset Therapy says, “Mirroring is how people learn to connect with others. It is the reflecting back, or mirroring, of what someone says or does. Through this reflection, rapport can be built and connections made.”

Mirroring, when used quickly and aggressively, is how a narcissist first engineers trust in their victims, pawns or prey. Later, in the devaluation stage, it is used as a weapon against their narcissistic supply.

In my case, alongside the mirroring at the onset of our fast & intense relationship, our beginning was a mixture of mirroring and the classic first stage of a relationship with a narcissist | love bombing. This is where the narcissist creates the illusion of being the perfect partner and showers their new supply with endless compliments, kind gestures + words & promise a fantasy of your perfect future together, that will never be fulfilled.

Typically, a narcissist can only maintain the love bombing stage for a few months, at most, because it is so exhausting on them to exert such effort into anything.

You will never see this version of the person again. It is a false illusion they create at the beginning to suck you into their toxic orbit.

After the love bombing stage, devaluation begins. The very qualities they admired most in their victims, the mirroring they used as a psychological tactic, then turns to terror and is weaponized against you; their narcissistic supply. They use your very strengths and vulnerabilities that they put on the highest of pedestals as the deadliest of weapons to put you into cognitive dissonance and haze. Devaluation begins typically when a narcissist feels they are getting enmeshed in vulnerability and intimacy or when they have, as they always do, narcissistic supply in the backdrop that may be coming to fruition.

Social media has been transformative for narcissists to troll the landscape discreetly while simultaneously posting a mirage of a life they wish they lived, and receive instant gratification which fuels their wounded ego.

This becomes quite cyclical in narcissistic relationships which ebb and flow through 3 stages | love bombing, devaluation, discard. These cycles repeat as often as seen necessary by the narcissist, until one of the parties in the relationship decides to permanently end the cycle of abuse. You can ebb back and forth between these stages which is how a narcissist creates a trauma bond in their victims until the discard stage. The only way a narcissist will discard their victim, is if they have a secure narcissistic supply in the wings waiting.

In my case, I discarded my first ever narcissistic relationship & I never looked back.

I sold my home, spent months living on the road criss-crossing the country, and now live out West. This is what a narcissist does while smirking and starting a smear campaign to annihilate your character. They cannot risk being exposed by their victims who start to see them for who they are. They use their flying monkeys, or enablers, to further tarnish your reputation to whomever they possibly can. Narcissists spew lies to make their victims look unstable or crazy; to get ahead of any truths the abused may start to share.

This is their narcissistic injury, not yours.

Notice the warning signs. Do not think it is you losing your mind; this is what a narcissist intentionally does to their victims by regularly gaslighting them.

Extreme narcissism makes up a very small percentage of the population, but with social media and newer political leaders that exhibit these terrifying, brainwashing, cult-like tactics; they are becoming bolder and more pronounced.

Protect your peace of mind & your safety with all you have.

Reclaim your life. Your voice. Your person.